


Warrior

by Marber312



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec is Dead, Angst, Based on a song, Grief/Mourning, Hurt, I made myself sad with this one, In pain, M/M, Magnus is a warrior, Magnus reflecting over his feelings, Mortal/imortal, Mortality, Mourns the loss of Alec, Reflection, Sad, Sad Ending, no driving story, no happy ending, only feeling, talking and mentioning of death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:07:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23639560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marber312/pseuds/Marber312
Summary: Magnus is a warrior; the fierces demon slayer at the entire Institute. A badge he'd wear with honor if it didn't hurt so much. If it hadn't been a constant reminder that he fought so hard because he was in so much pain.He knew living without Alec would be painful, he hadn't realised how much. His pain is his armour, his anger, his sword and his grief his driving force.(based on the song: Warrior - Demi Levato
Relationships: Magnus Bane - Relationship, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	Warrior

He had known it was coming yet he was never prepared. It was what they had fought over. It was what Alec all those years had tried to tell him: One day Magnus might be breathing while he wasn't, and it would _hurt_.

The sun shone brightly outside but he couldn't feel it. His entire world was dim and dark. The sun didn’t warm his cheek, didn’t brighten his mood and didn’t light up his surroundings. Alec had stolen the light of his world along with all its colours, just as he had stolen his heart. He shouldn’t have been so surprised to find it gone, Alexander Lightwood was- _had_ been a Shadowhunter after all. [Black and stealing was their thing] This wasn’t anything Magnus would ever tell anyone though. If anyone asked, he’d answer that he was a survivor; that he had lived for what seemed like an eternity and Alec had been in it for only a fraction.

Even though he tried to act brave, Magnus didn't try to hide the pain. He didn’t have enough energy to do so. He just never spoke of where it came from. The never ending aching pain had become a part of him, his misery and brokenness was his armour and his heartache made him a warrior. Because when Alec died so did a part of him.

He hadn’t known what to do when Alec had been taken from him, so he had devoted his life to the Institute and their fight against demons. He had a vague memory of promising Alec to continue helping the institute - even if he wasn’t there - so he did. It was the only thing which had stopped him from teleporting himself to the bottom of the Atlantic.

The institute was the only kind of rooting he had left in the world. The only thing keeping him afloat was the need to shoulder Alec’s role as protector over Izzy and Jace, because he knew it was what Alec would have wanted.

Seeing them at first had only reminded him of what wasn’t there anymore, but the pain of trying to cut them off had been worse. They were the only remaining link he had to Alec and if he didn’t have them, he had nothing left but a bow, a quiver full of unused arrows and the gaping emptiness in his apartment to remember him by. If he didn’t have them, he had no one who understood the gaping pain in his chest. They made him push himself further, harder and made him use his misery productively; instead of letting it destroy him when he couldn’t stand the hole where his heart used to be.

At times he felt the glares from downworlders when he did the institutes bidding; he was betraying his own kind. Sometimes shame crept upon him for his new hazarded and destroying ways. He hurt and killed relentlessly and mercilessly because not having Alec was killing him. He was ashamed of the lack of self-control, the lack of elegance and calmness he had once possessed. He was no longer the peace keeper he had for so long claimed to be; he was a warrior. He wasn’t an ambassador or a meddler, he was a demon slayer, a warrior. A warrior who no longer had place for remorse over his lost ways because each and every time he saw a demon his eyes tainted red and all he saw was the monster which took his Alexander away from him. He didn’t care what looks he’d received from others. He wanted all demons dead. The fuming anger inside him made him fight harder. It made him ruthless. It made him deadly.

He had a time back climbed passed Jace's number of killed demons and if anyone kept count he was presently the number one most lethal demon slayer in the Institute; some whispered rumours even claimed that he was in the top even in Idris; something which should have been impossible for a downworlder. But Magnus was barely a downworlder anymore; he was barely alive at all.

If someone asked why he stayed at the Institute he told them he just grew stronger there. That he was now stronger then he had ever been and nothing could break him. But the whole truth was that he was still just as broken. He had been so broken and confused in Alec's absence, that the Institute was the only sense of direction he had when his guiding light, his leading star went out. The Institute was the closest he could come to the familiarity of Alec without him actually being there, and he knew he wouldn't survive a day without it.

Some days it hurt more than it helped; since everyday he was reminded of the man who stole his heart and broke him beyond repair but couldn’t have. Then the emptiness felt soul crushing. Some days it was the only thing he had left to live for.

He told himself that he was a survivor; he had been through worse and he could no longer be broken. He said it so many times he almost believed it; so many times, it some days was the only reason he got out of bed. 

It was true, though: he couldn't be broken anymore because he was still in shattered pieces. Nothing could break him anymore because no one would ever be able to piece him together enough to have something to break. No one would ever break his heart ever again because not even - if he lived long enough - met Alec's reincarnation would mend him because no one would ever again be Alexander Gideon Lightwood; the lovely and wonderful Alexander. No one would ever be _his_ shy and blunt Alexander. No one would ever be _his_ Alexander anymore.

It hurt so much, rage and grief was all he had left in the shattered pieces of a heart. His loneliness, his heartache and knowing he would have to live with it forever made him the strongest and most feared warrior in the shadow world. Nothing could break him, nothing could hurt him. His sorrow and heartache was his armour. An armour no one could break, since one cannot break what is already broken. And he was broken beyond mending.


End file.
